keep your mouth shut

When you’ve been married for six years, you inevitably get random mouth breathers asking, “when are you going to have kids?” I’m not talking about family members or friends, but rather coworkers or mere acquaintances who should know better than to ask such a personal question.

Over the years I’ve worked on different answers to the question that were as equally or more off putting than the initial rudeness. Sometimes trying to work in movie quotes just to keep it interesting.

When are you going to have kids?
Oh, we’ve been trying, by we just can’t stand to see each other naked.

When are you going to have kids?
Oh, we would love to, only if I weren’t impotent, it would be so much easier.

When are you going to have kids?
We would love to, but my wife’s insides are a “barren and rocky place, where my seed can find no purchase”.

When are you going to have kids?
Why would I have kids? I hate people and kids are just miniature people.

When are you going to have kids?
We would but Rena is shooting blanks.

There is one woman who I work with who may be the most socially retarded person that I have ever met. I actively avoid getting into conversations with her, but inevitably we will be forced to because of some work function. Now as an aside, I’ve told this woman before that I DO NOT talk about religion, politics or my personal life at work. You never know what kind of religious mental case or Republican that you will run into in the office, so it’s best to play it safe.

She started up recently (again!) at an office lunch:

Stupid Lady: *chew*, *chew*, *chew* Oh, Tony, you’d make a great father.
Tony: Nah, I don’t think so.
Stupid Lady: *chew*, oh yeah, you’d be wonderful. When are you going to have kids?
Tony: We don’t really have any plans. I and besides, I don’t think I would.
Stupid Lady: Oh yeah, *chew* you would be able to teach them so much.
Tony: I don’t think I would. I’m not really…
Stupid Lady: You could teach them all sorts of things *chew*.
Tony: (trying to change subject) Yes, I could teach them all about writing user documents. Those poor kids. So anyway, how about that new software release, eh?
Stupid Lady: But you’d make a great father. *chew* Your wife doesn’t want kids?
Tony: It is a sensitive subject for us.
Stupid Lady: But you’d make a great *chew* father.
Tony: It is a very sensitive subject for us.
Stupid Lady: *chew*

Why can’t people just STFU and mind their own business?
I must mention that all of the chewing that was going on here was her eating the lemons that they brought to the table with her ice water. She ordered an additional plate of lemons and ate them during the course of the meal. By the end of the lunch there were at least 20 de-pulped lemons laid out in front of her.